The Struggle is Real

I will probably never have a huge following of devoted bloggers. And that is totally okay with me, I originally started this blog as a way to document my life, for me, not anyone else. The fact that anyone wants to read it is always a surprise to me. Even though this really is for me, I always feel bad when I don't post anything. Like maybe I'm letting someone other than myself down. Truthfully, I haven't had anything worth posting lately. To be honest, my life has really been a struggle lately and a lot of days I don't feel like even getting out of my bed. But I do, because it has to be done. One day, when my life has become everything that I want it to be; after my dream wedding has come together, my house has finally been built and I'm no longer living in a hotel, and I have finally found another teaching job, I know that I will look back on posts like this and wonder what I was so worried about.

But until then, I worry. A LOT. So much so that I have developed wrinkles I didn't have three months ago. If this is even possible, I think I'm less attractive than I was then too. I don't have much of an appetite either. My eyes are constantly tired looking, possibly because I haven't slept through the night since we left South Carolina. I thought moving back to Georgia would provide such a relief for my life, being back with all our family and friends, but instead I feel like I am constantly fighting to keep my head above water. Worried about getting another teaching job, what I'm doing wrong that's preventing me from getting one (because I feel like that has to be the reason), paying for my wedding, and eventually how to pay for our house if we're only living on one income (Oh yeah, we bought a house. They still haven't started building and we bought it two months ago. Hence why we live in a hotel. Brad qualified for our home on his own, so I shouldn't even worry that much about paying our bills when clearly he is able to. Instead I worry about being house poor and not being able to do anything else but pay for our house. Surprise.).

I do what I normally do in times of need, I turned to God. For his guidance. And realized that I'm a pretty big idiot, which isn't an out of the ordinary surprise for me. While I'm searching for some Biblical comfort, I find this verse, which I'm sure we've all ready many times before.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

People throw that verse around all the time, or at least a version of it, especially when you mentioned that you're worried about something, especially when that something is your future. "God has a plan for you," they say. And I always want to be like, "Well duh, but how come I don't know about it yet?"

Here's why: Jeremiah 29:11 is perhaps the most misused verse in the Bible (read that article if you haven't before). I went back and read the entirety of Jeremiah 28 & 29 and it's a doozy. It basically tells the story of Israelites who had been exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem. A false prophet had claimed that all these exiled people would be able to break free of this and God would restore them back to Jerusalem within two years. So then God came to Jeremiah, a real prophet, and essentially said, that's not going to happen. You might as well build houses, get married, settled down, and start praying for prosperity here because I have no plans to lead you back to Jerusalem anytime soon. In fact, you'll be here for 70 years. Then he says, as he does in Jeremiah 29:11, he knows the plans he has for them, but until these exiled people start to seek him with all their hearts (Jeremiah 29:12-14), he will not be found and neither will his plan for their lives.

Whoa, did I mention I felt like an idiot? If you're not religious this probably means nothing to you, but then again, you're probably not reading this anymore either. If you are, then WHOA. Am I right? I read this and immediately felt terrible about the way that I've been living my life lately. It's been completely about me and what I can get to make my life here on Earth better. I didn't think to even consider turning to God until I really felt like I just couldn't do it on my own anymore. I had never stopped to consider that I can't do anything on my own. As Chris Blumhofer writes in that article I linked up, I had been reading Jeremiah 29:11 like the false prophet my whole life. That verse had always been about what God could do for me, instead of the bigger picture of what I could do for him and how he could use me in my life.

So I'll leave you with this (from that same article), if you're so inclined to return again after my religious ravings which typically don't show their face much around here (maybe they should?),

"Seeking God will not always result in [quick] fixes for life’s problems. Instead, it will cause us to realize we live within a much bigger story—one in which God resolves the disappointments of life in ways that far exceed our shortened sight."

And this, which is a pretty great quote that I think applies directly to my life right now.
Thanks Anthropologie instragram.